The Joke Thread (keep it clean)

[Bruce Everiss]

When at last Gordon Brown decided to throw in the towel and resign, his
cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a
railway locomotive after him. So 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to
the National Railway Museum at York , to investigate the possibilities.

"There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a
consultant told Sir Humphrey. but they are mostly freight locomotives."

"Oh dear, a freight locomotive is not very fitting for a prime minister,"
said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said,
pointing to the 'Flying Scotsman'.

"That one has already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called
'Flying Scotsman'."

"Oh well. Couldn't we rename it ?" asked Sir Humphrey.


"I suppose for the prime minister it might be considered," said the
consultant.

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then...let's
look at renaming the 'Flying Scotsman'. How much will it cost? Remember
we can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"

"Well", said the consultant, "Why don't we just paint out the 'F'."

[Bruce Everiss]

Drunk Man and a Priest

-------------------------
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned
to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[Bruce Everiss]

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.." - Groucho Marx